Gabriel's Horn

A terribly biased view of sports through the Eyes of Texas.

Archive for the ‘toothless varmints’ Category

Meet the Opponent: Oklahoma

Posted by RubyLynn on October 5, 2007

Now, the real question is, why would you want to meet your opponent this week? Sooners are toothless, illiterate trailer trash who suck so hard that they’re keeping the entire state of Texas from floating into the Gulf of Mexico.(Edit:) not having any part of a little pre-game jest. If they’re fans are willing to castrate members of the Longhorn Nation, just imagine what their football team will do to us.

To be honest, I haven’t really been looking forward to this game at all this year, even before the losses to Kansas State and Colorado. The Longhorns still have problems with defense, and our offense is in BIG trouble after what we saw versus Kansas State. Oklahoma’s new quarterback may look like the missing link, but he’ll do horrible, horrible things to our defense. I’m generally an optimistic individual, but this year I’m just hoping that it’s not as bad as my first Cotton Bowl experience, when we were pummeled 65-13. Then again, they DID lose to Colorado, so there’s hope for us yet!

If we do pull off the win, My biggest question for the game this weekend, is how are the cameras are going to be able to handle it? Will there be another crying OU kid?? Maybe a little girl this time?

(Edit:) A Sweet little dickens, enjoying the football game.
Picture, ESPN

The original crying OU kid.

(Edit:) Exhausted OU child, with Longhorn ancestry, not crying about the loss to Colorado.
Picture, FSN

Crying OU kid, Version 2.0

So what do you say when faced with the burden of a crying OU kid in your midst? We at the Horn have some ideas:

  • It’s okay, at least you get to go home Oklahoma now. (sarcasm)
  • At least you won’t have to move, since Daddy won’t be able to afford that double-wide after losing all his money gambling on the Sooners.
  • Someday you’ll grow up to be a Sooner too, that is if you can marry your sister, lose your baby and adult teeth and manage to get at least C’s.
  • Don’t cry, just get drunk with Daddy when you get back to Norman. It keeps him happy.
  • I bet your folks won’t make you brush your teeth for a whole month (as opposed to a whole week).
  • You got on national television!
  • If you’re feeling down, see if Mom will take you to the Bob Stoops Visor Museum on the way home.
  • There’s always next year, kiddo.

Okay, okay… so those aren’t really comforting. But then what can you say to convince a mini varmint that their life doesn’t suck?

Hopefully our Horns pull out the win. I wouldn’t put money on it, but hopefully Mack and the boys can prove me wrong. Hook’em!

(Edit:) Clearly this is low-brow jest on the eve of the biggest game of our season. General Concession: We know all of our opponents are not the toothless varmints we make them out to be. In fact, the players and fans are supporters and representatives of fine universities across the nation – something we can relate to here at Texas.

Now, is that going to stop us on OU weekend from making fun of Sooners? No. It isn’t. Are we sorry your kid got picked on? I mean, maybe. Nobody — even the TV station — insisted this was some sort of documentary. It is football coverage. College. Football. Coverage.

If this really offended you to the point of needing to assert “the truth” rather than just let an openly sarcastic, jesful blog have a little fun on Longhorn Football Christmas, we’re sorry. Genuinely. Smack-talking is part of it all – and we feel badly you’re unable to appreciate its importance.



Posted in Big 12, Get your act together dammit, Meet The Opponent, Oklahoma, themaskedwino, toothless varmints | 2 Comments »

Nothing Helps.

Posted by RubyLynn on October 1, 2007

Not even this, or this, or even this makes it better.crying-ou-boy-screenshot.jpg
Not even this mini toothless varmint’s tears make me happy.

Posted in Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, themaskedwino, toothless varmints | 5 Comments »

Apparently, he deserved it.

Posted by RubyLynn on September 12, 2007

Remember that gruesome story of that crazy Sooner who nearly castrated someone simply for wearing a Texas shirt? Well, now there is doubt that they’ll be able to find an impartial jury.

Read more here.

Posted in balls, Oklahoma, themaskedwino, toothless varmints | Leave a Comment »

Big 12 Roundtable : Getting Personal

Posted by TxHny on September 7, 2007

Horn of Gabriel, reppin’ Texas and Big 12 south since… a week or so ago. Lol.

1. What did you learn, if anything, about your team on opening weekend? More specifically, did you see anything that brought complete elation or utter disappointment?

We’ve got a long way to go, baby. Jamaal Charles was particularly impressive. Secondly, this isn’t the first or last time I’ll say it, Deon Beasley is special. (And also makes me a double homer, because he went to my high school.)

Our secondary was an utter disappointment as well as Colt’s performance. Everyone has an off game and this may be a case of unreasonable expectations. I’ll reserve any sincere complaints until this Sunday.

Also… sitting in the alumni section is way cool. Literally. It is in the shade.

2. 20 years from now, someone will ask you “Where Were You When Appalachian State beat Michigan?”. Describe what you were doing at the time, your reaction.

I popped open a new beer at the tailgate, and said “Damn. It must really suck to be Michigan.” And then the same sad little song that played in my heart on November 11th last year began to sound.

“I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I’m all out of love, what am I without you
I can’t be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I’m reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can’t hold on
There’s no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I’ll be gone, I’ll be gone.”

Then I realized the sausage links were done, and I better act fast. Regardless, I feel your pain Michigan fans. I mean, K State isn’t really the same thing as Appalachian State, but you get my drift.

3. Given the big event of this past weekend, what’s the worst you’ve ever felt about your team?

Considering the answer to No. 5, the Longhorn football team only became personal to me within the last 5 years. The worst I ever felt about the team was my very first OU weekend. Properly hungover from a long night at Across The Street Bar and after a good hour of heckling Sooners at the state fair, I watched the Longhorns get trounced 65-13. It was my first year in the spirit group, and I had a front row seat to the massacre. To this day when Sooners mention that game, and the score, I get a) a little queasy, reminded of too much beer, sun and delicious fried foods and b) completely devoid of any comebacks. Other than the usual jabs at Sooners for being toothless, marrying their sisters or having mobile homes I’ve got nothing. National championship and winning the past two Red River Shootouts, while awesome, do nothing to alleviate the pain of that day.

4. Take a classic – like Homer’s Odyssey, Lord of the Flies, Little Women, or, heck, even the latest Simpsons Movie and tell me how it relates to your team this season.

Beowulf. I have a lot of confidence in our coaches, our talent and the knack the Longhorns have to pull a win despite giving us all a near heart attack. Our defense has much room for improvement and our offense needs a little more identity. After Arkansas State, it is clear that this season will be epic and not the cakewalk many imagined.

Heads will roll, biotch.

And what would an epic story be without epic battles? Nothing, my friend.

Since January 4, 2006 Longhorns have relished in the glow of post National Championship bliss. Texas football returned to glory under Mack Brown and Longhorns have enjoyed some serious winnage as of late. This weekend we face a ranked opponent who has the ability to destroy all of our warriors and completely knock any wind out of our sails.

The Grendel: Texas Christian University

grendel.jpg horned-frog.jpg
The likeness hasn’t escaped me.

If the TCU defense doesn’t strike fear in your heart, you are a braver man individual than me I. Not only will the Longhorns have to up the quality of play from last week there is also the (knock on wood) chance of injury of key players we’ll need for later battles. If we can somehow rip the theoretical arm off of TCU and send them back to the marshes of Ft. Worth, we’ll garner some confidence to get us to….

Grendel’s Mother: Oklahoma.

The Shebeast .

Stoops’ shebeast will traverse the Red River in a vengeful battle. Oklahoma has an impressive QB and if you think they forgot 2005 and 2006, you are crazy. As usual, the Red River Shootout has many implications both for the Big 12 Conference Championship as well as national title implications. We may arrive in Dallas unscathed, but this will be a fierce battle. The only way we’re leaving that way is if our protective armor (i.e. the Longhorn defense) is up to task and if our offense can behead the beast.

After this past weekend, you can’t discount anyone and by skipping the battles with Central Florida, Rice, and Kansas State I’m not doing so. After Oklahoma we must get past Iowa State, Nebraska and OkieLight to get to…

The Dragon: Texas A&M

She may seem demure, but that bitch breathes fire when she’s pissed.

A long time foe and this team has the cohones to really take it to us this year. I was talking with an Aggie friend, and he said the win last year felt good, but not great. We agreed the Horns looked terrible and weren’t playing their best. We looked dumbstruck on the field and it took a little bit of the sheen off of the victory. This year he’d really like to see us go undefeated, give the Aggies an awesome game at top notch playing and still hand us our ass on a silver platter. I believe this is the want of Aggies everywhere. And it scares me.

And yes, I know that Beowulf dies at the end of the story. Hopefully we can make it through the season without killing ourselves and can get our young talent some experience. Will our hero survive?
5. It wasn’t just by accident you got here. Somewhere, some time, there was someone who influenced you to become a fan of your team. Tell that story.

If you would have asked me the Fall before college, I was going to Rice University. When a friend of mine’s mother did ask, she was having no part of any discussion about Rice, where apparently “Fun” goes to die. She bought me my first burnt orange T-shirt and proceeded the indoctrination.

Convinced I was made to be a Longhorn, she took me to Austin on a rainy weekend to go to a Texas Exes luncheon and then to see the Iowa State football game. The entire car ride up, Mrs. S told me all about Texas: rated one of the best colleges in practically any category of measurement. I was excited to be going, but in my mind I was still set on going to Rice. Did I want to be a Longhorn? A huge state school? No thanks.

The Texas Exes luncheon was at the Texas Exes center. To someone from a small town in East Texas, sitting with so many welcoming alumni and listening to the President of the University speak was amazing. After dinner, the entire room rose, turned towards the tower, horns up and sang The Eyes of Texas. Awesome. Did I want to be a Longhorn? Texas made it to the list of schools to apply.

Game Day: In the rain, with these scraggly looking Orange wigs on, I saw the Longhorn Hellraisers march down 21st Street. We listened to the March Grandioso on the CD player in the car. I saw the crowds of Longhorn faithful, decked out in orange, tailgating despite the weather. Did I want to be a Longhorn? Even in the rain, it sure looked like fun.

That game I watched Cedric Benson rush for 199 yards, injured. I felt the reverberation from the crowd yelling Texas! Fight! 80,000 strong in DKR. Did I want to be a Longhorn? You bet your ass I did.

And that my friends is the day my blood turned burnt orange. (The Terry Foundation didn’t hurt anything, either.)

Big 12 Offensive Player of the Week: Sam Bradford, QB at OU. Damn it.

Big 12 Defensive Player of the Week: Pig Brown. I tried to find someone with better numbers. Not possible.

Posted in Big 12, blog love, like - school spirit!, Oklahoma, random babble, Roundtables, TCU, Texas A&M, toothless varmints, txhny | 2 Comments »

College Colors Day

Posted by TxHny on August 30, 2007

Barely beating out Dimpled Chad Day (January 4th) and Do Dah Day (May 19th), College Colors Day is in our top 10 favorite holidays of the year (to be disclosed in a later post.)


Promoting awareness of higher education since 2005.

The Collegiate Licensing Company is just brimming over with school spirit (and cardigans, tshirts, onesies, baseball caps, limited edition Hawaiian-style button up shirts, watches, socks, backpacks, jackets, belts, sandals and handbags) for your favorite team. As if the dawn of football season wasn’t enough, this gives you an even better reason to sport your school colors this Friday, August 31st.

Pardon us while we sift through the burnt orange section of our closet to appropriately plan for our attire on Friday. However, if you work with Sooners like I do, be careful. And you thought “Saw ‘Em Off” was bad… (Note to self, add “Dangerous Sooners” to reasons why I like being a girl.)

While this may seem like a self serving initiative for the CLC they have higher education at heart:

“College Colors Day strives to promote higher education in the United States through increased public awareness and celebrates the achievements of colleges and universities in the United States, acknowledging their critical and fundamental importance to the United States.”

We completely agree. Without higher education, this ad wouldn’t be funny.

Posted in like - school spirit!, toothless varmints, txhny | Leave a Comment »