Gabriel's Horn

A terribly biased view of sports through the Eyes of Texas.

Archive for the ‘Secret Memos’ Category

Charlie Weis Can Keep A Secret

Posted by TxHny on September 13, 2007

This just in. We’re proud to be the first to bring you the breaking news regarding Notre Dame football.

CARLSBAD, September 13 – Jenny Craig issued a press release this morning breaking contract negotiations with rumored new spokesperson Charlie Weis, head football coach of the Fighting Irish at Notre Dame University. Not even the many options of Jenny Craig Cuisine and the personal one on one consultations could help the famed college coach.




“After tedious research, careful consideration and a lot of personal time with Charlie, we discovered that Charlie Weis is in fact not overweight. At this time, we must reserve spokesperson roles for individuals who have weight to lose.”


It was discovered that Weis’ outward appearance was not the result of too many beer battered onion rings at McFaddin’s, a lack of exercise, or a glandular problem. In fact, the cause is something leaked from within the Notre Dame football ranks.


“He’s always been really secretive about the game plans, starting rosters even. He’s constantly scribbling, cautiously watching to make sure no one else can see. Then, no kiddin’ man… he eats them.”


According to other sources close to Weis, the problem has worsened progressively over the past few weeks.


“Initially, it was just a post-it of notes for special teams. He told the players and coaches what was going on but avoided leaving paper trails… As Notre Dame slips in the polls, he becomes increasingly withdrawn and I bet he is up to a pack of college rule a day.”


Dr. Sylvia Woodgrove, a nutritionist at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, suggests this behavior is a result of career related-paranoia and that much daily intake of paper would lead to severe blocking of the gastrointestinal tract.



Jenny Craig has extended regret in the termination of their relationship with Charlie, but hopes that he will be able to find the help he needs.


“When, and if he gets the proper medical attention, the door is always open for him at Jenny Craig. We were hoping Charlie could be a role model for men suffering from tailgate binging, much in the way women are inspired by Kirstie Alley.”


There you have it, dear reader, it turns out that Charlie Weis isn’t fat, he’s just full of shit. (This may explain why all Notre Dame’s plays are crap, but we won’t make any assumptions until further research is compiled and properly sanitized.) We here at the Horn tip our hat, as Charlie Weis has endangered himself, an alarming number of navy blue windsuits, and the sanctity of the Notre Dame University in the name of college football.

Photo, MSNBC and Sports Illustrated
and in a related story, The Sporting News.


Posted in Notre Dame, random babble, Secret Memos, txhny | 3 Comments »

We’re not supposed to show you this but…

Posted by RubyLynn on September 6, 2007

We couldn’t help ourselves. College football fans everywhere deserve to know who’s responsible for the return to normal clock rules. So from all of us at Gabriel’s Horn, you’re welcome. We received the following memo from the NCAA a while back, and thought it would be a crime not to post it.


Our personal information has been redacted.

Since the Gabriel’s Horn is no Colin Cowherd we’d like to extend our own thanks to Wizard of Odds, CFBstats, the fans, and above all God for their assistance in our endeavor to keep the NCAA under our manicured thumb. Truly, we couldn’t do it without you.

Oh – and don’t think we haven’t noticed this new kickoff rule. We’re reserving judgment until a few conference games have been played, but NCAA Rules Committee – you’re on notice. If we don’t like it – the consequences will NOT be pretty.

Posted in corporate whores, empty promises, Secret Memos, themaskedwino, Uncategorized | 4 Comments »