Gabriel's Horn

A terribly biased view of sports through the Eyes of Texas.

BlogPoll Roundtable – Story Lines Emerge

Posted by TxHny on September 20, 2007

You already have the eloquent, thoughtful responses from our host and fellow Longhorn blogger at BON. If that wasn’t enough (What is wrong with you?), you can read here for the not so eloquent, reasonably well thought out (over a nice post-work Shiner Blonde) answers from a fan of the female persuasion.

1. Handicap your team’s chances to win your conference championship. If your team is not the favorite, who is?

Everyday I have to put up with this smug Sooner co-worker. Normally his pitiful attempt to string sentences together (an exaggeration, he’s actually a fantastic attorney) do nothing but lay the foundation for the Longhorn smack I love to deliver. Lately, I have no retort. No, not even slights about crying children or getting Bomar’d do the trick. And while we’re discussing characters, story lines and the like, write this down: Oklahoma is the Juggernaut, bitch. If OU doesn’t take Big 12 , it is because A) UT is like, “j/k we’ll start playing for real now”or B) Mizzou pulls a fantastic upset.

Plus, if I can’t see Texas and LSU in a game (which I’m not ruling out yet!), I’d like to see Oklahoma and LSU. In addition to the wonderful things I love about Louisiana, I think it would be grand to see victory snatched from Stoopsy-poo twice by LSU. OU may be the Juggernaut, but I think LSU is in the end the better team

2. Outline the (realistic) best case and worst case scenarios for your team.

Best Case: In much the way Aggies wish for Fran, I wish our offensive play calling would continue to suck, we get our asses handed to us by K-State, again and then Ding! Dong! Greg Davis is dead. Or at least fired. Thanks for the help, friend, but don’t let the door hit ya on the way out. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Worst Case:
We pull three to five (seven?) more mediocre-performance wins, squeak by Nebraska and OU if God really did bless Texas, I’m hospitalized for heart failure, and we’re still not utilizing our talent or our size, we still think a handoff out of the shotgun is fooling anyone and Greg Davis remains on the coaching staff.


That isn’t very lady like. Or mature. Or any of the things I’d like to be. So I’ll put this on the record:

Best Case: Realistically? Texas obliterates Rice and Kansas State, with momentum beats the Sooners, and coasts through the end of the season. I say coast, not ignoring Nebraska, Texas Tech or Texas A&M. Coast in the way that we play these challenging opponents in an impressive way and use our strengths to win decisively (i.e., our new found amazing defense holds Graham Harrell to 200 yards passing, etc*). I agree that a BCS game is not out of reach, but I won’t be shocked if we end up out of the picture. Maybe this year I’ll actually spend the first part of the year with my family and celebrate my Mom’s birthday with her, rather than calling her completely wasted on my road trip.

Worst Case: We beat Rice by less than two TDs, lose to KState, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Texas Tech and Texas A&M. That will make us 7-5 at the end of conference play, with only one win to a then-ranked opponent: TCU. I’ll still be a longhorn fan, and I certainly won’t tear any testicles over it, but it will be one long and terrible off season.

*Sidenote: That kid has like 439 yds/game and 14TDs. Whoa.

3. We’re only three games in to the season, but teams and storylines are starting to take shape. Compare your team to a character or theme from a fable or children’s tale.

Come on?! The three little pigs?! How can I beat that? Sigh…. How about…

London bridge is falling down,
falling down, falling down,
London Bridge is falling down,
My fair Lady.

Or, slightly more creative…

Bobino, Dockery, dock,
We’re almost out of clock.
We barely won,
Our team’s is down
Hickory, dickory, dock.

Not optimistic enough for you?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
Catch a Sooner by the toe
If he hollers, its 4th and go!
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

Out goes one (TCU)
Out goes two (UCF)
Out goes another one (Texas A&M)
And that is you. (Fiesta Bowl!)

(And themaskedwino just got home from Happy Hour(s), and has offered the following. Verbatim.)

“WHeeee!!!!
Little Mister Mack Brown,
Sat on his… something,
Eating his BBQ…and beans,
Along came a Sooner
who tried to spoon her (him)
and frightened Mack Brown away

Wait…you can’t do away, because its ‘beans’….

Along game a Sooner
who tried to spoon her (him)
and so he called him a queen…s!”

little-miss-muffet-nursery-rhymes.jpglittle-miss-muffet-nursery-rhymes.jpg
Who buys this shit?

4. Imagine you’re the coach of your team. Give three specific changes you’d implement immediately which you think would have the biggest impact on improving the team.

1. Fire Greg Davis. Alright, last shot for this post. I’m just bitter. Can you blame me?

1. Experience clearly isn’t working so let’s get some fresh meat in there against Rice to get a few game time downs. We’ve got to get it together before we play OU.

2. Blocking, tackling, aggressive defensive play. We saw a little bit of this against TCU, but overall I’ve been unimpressed. Opponents that aren’t as strong and aren’t as big are breaking two, three, four tackles before we get them down or out. You think Justin Blalock or Derrick Johnson would stand for that? Or more, those big corn fed Huskers? Hell no, motha fu**a! Our blocking is abysmal. Jamaal Charles can run but often he’s out there without a blocker. Why? Why? Aggressive play. Man up. You heard me. Our team just doesn’t look fired up, they don’t look like they want it. I want to see some hits.

3. The screen is not the only option to do an outside run. The handoff from the shotgun isn’t surprising anyone. Let’s see some magic from the offense, okay?

5. USC, LSU/Florida, and Oklahoma have established themselves as the frontrunners in the early going. Which other team or teams are you eyeballing as potential BCS party crashers?

It is very early to make bowl predictions, but what the hell. I’ll admit I haven’t really looked at these folks upcoming schedules so these may be totally improbable- but these are teams, BCS worthy or not, that have certainly caught my eye.

Clemson, Boston College, Alabama, South Carolina and Oregon. The BCS party crashers are more likely Boston College and Oregon, but then again I would have put a grand on Michigan against App State if someone would have been willing. I think the bigger concern for me is not the who, but the what. Even if Texas isn’t one of the games, I’d really like to see some interesting bowl games (i.e. Boise/Oklahoma). I feel like every year I’m all psyched up about the bowl games and they are this huge let down. One team annihilates the other, as expected, or I get so annoyed with the culmination of crap that I’m tempted to watch the South Parks I have saved on my DVR.

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3 Responses to “BlogPoll Roundtable – Story Lines Emerge”

  1. Note to self: blogging whilst drunk isn’t always a good idea.

  2. Larry the Tap Dancing Giant said

    I beg to differ…I think some of the best gems come out that way. I think your take on Mack Brown and Ms. Moffett was pretty damn fantastic. For other examples of fantastic work produced by less than sober circumstances, see Alice in Wonderland, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, or go read that paramount of rhyme that was the poem I wrote while being “inspired” in the Netherlands…

  3. txhny said

    I’d just like to point out there are several typos in this entry. I blame you maskedwino. You are supposed to be my mighty red pen! 🙂 I guess I’ll just have to proofread a little better.

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