Gabriel's Horn

A terribly biased view of sports through the Eyes of Texas.

Charlie Weis Can Keep A Secret

Posted by TxHny on September 13, 2007

This just in. We’re proud to be the first to bring you the breaking news regarding Notre Dame football.

CARLSBAD, September 13 – Jenny Craig issued a press release this morning breaking contract negotiations with rumored new spokesperson Charlie Weis, head football coach of the Fighting Irish at Notre Dame University. Not even the many options of Jenny Craig Cuisine and the personal one on one consultations could help the famed college coach.




“After tedious research, careful consideration and a lot of personal time with Charlie, we discovered that Charlie Weis is in fact not overweight. At this time, we must reserve spokesperson roles for individuals who have weight to lose.”


It was discovered that Weis’ outward appearance was not the result of too many beer battered onion rings at McFaddin’s, a lack of exercise, or a glandular problem. In fact, the cause is something leaked from within the Notre Dame football ranks.


“He’s always been really secretive about the game plans, starting rosters even. He’s constantly scribbling, cautiously watching to make sure no one else can see. Then, no kiddin’ man… he eats them.”


According to other sources close to Weis, the problem has worsened progressively over the past few weeks.


“Initially, it was just a post-it of notes for special teams. He told the players and coaches what was going on but avoided leaving paper trails… As Notre Dame slips in the polls, he becomes increasingly withdrawn and I bet he is up to a pack of college rule a day.”


Dr. Sylvia Woodgrove, a nutritionist at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, suggests this behavior is a result of career related-paranoia and that much daily intake of paper would lead to severe blocking of the gastrointestinal tract.



Jenny Craig has extended regret in the termination of their relationship with Charlie, but hopes that he will be able to find the help he needs.


“When, and if he gets the proper medical attention, the door is always open for him at Jenny Craig. We were hoping Charlie could be a role model for men suffering from tailgate binging, much in the way women are inspired by Kirstie Alley.”


There you have it, dear reader, it turns out that Charlie Weis isn’t fat, he’s just full of shit. (This may explain why all Notre Dame’s plays are crap, but we won’t make any assumptions until further research is compiled and properly sanitized.) We here at the Horn tip our hat, as Charlie Weis has endangered himself, an alarming number of navy blue windsuits, and the sanctity of the Notre Dame University in the name of college football.

Photo, MSNBC and Sports Illustrated
and in a related story, The Sporting News.


3 Responses to “Charlie Weis Can Keep A Secret”

  1. themaskedwino said

    So weird… until the last paragraph. ZING!

  2. Irish said

    Looks like Someone is drinking the Hator-ade…Act like you know…Charlie’s FUPA is an inspiration to people everywhere.

    Go Irish

  3. txhny said

    I’m just sorta sad his boobs are bigger than mine. šŸ˜¦

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