This year, I am for the first time ashamed to be a part of the Big 12. I mean, really, the Big East is doing better than we are! The Big East!!! Texas certainly isn’t doing much to help our image, and A&M’s loss to Miami isn’t doing us any favors. The only thing I can think of to fix the ticking time bomb is for the Big 12 schools to realize their superhuman genetic abilities. So in tribute to the premiere tonight, here’s a list of the Big 12 as Heroes.
Claire Bennett: Oklahoma. They have a few lackluster seasons, and then they come out of nowhere as contenders for the national title this year. I am not looking forward to facing the indestructible cheerleader this year.
Nikki/Jessica Sanders: Texas Tech. You never know which team you’re going to get. Will they be a wimpering Nikki, or will Jessica throw you through a wall?
Peter Petrelli: Texas. So what, I’m biased. He’s totally got the coolest powers, and so do we.
Nathan Petrelli: Oklahoma State. Not even huge donations from questionable sources (Linderman=T. Boone) can stop this team from violently exploding.
Isaac Mendez: Baylor. Always looking to the future, because the present is just too difficult to handle.
Micah Sanders: Texas A&M. They actually have a pretty cool power and lots of potential, but instead of actually doing something with it they’d rather just whine and cry for mommy.
DL Hawkins: Nebraska. They must be DL, because Ball State ran right through them.
Mohinder Suresh: Iowa State. They don’t have any powers to speak of, and instead just wander around wondering what this mystery of “football” is all about.
Matt Parkman: Missouri. After failing the past several seasons (maybe due to football dyslexia), now they can hear what your Offense is thinking, and they shut you down like the FBI.
Hiro Nakamura: Colorado. Every Colorado fan spends their time back in 1990 when the Buffaloes were good.
The Haitian: Kansas. We’re not really sure what they’re doing, but they’re making their opponents forget how to play football.
Ted Sprague: Kansas State. Not doing too badly, but they’ll eventually self-destruct and bring everyone else down with them.
Sylar: USC. Okay, they’re not in the Big 12. But really, USC recruits all over the nation, sucking the talent away from other programs. Pete Carroll is trying to take over the world, and we must band together to beat Sylar.